Saturday, 26 August 2017

Funny Business

Funny Business

Coming soon on Audible !
To be narrated by Bradford Hastings...
And remember, 

Copyright© 2017 By James Sykes.

Funny business
By James Sykes.

Ronny Kausebarten Is standing on stage wearing his brightly coloured costume, enormous shoes and tufty bright hair sticking out from under a miniature sized felt bowler hat. He honked a brass antique car horn in the air.

“Roll up, roll up and take your seats! You've paid your money for your ticket, expect to be delight and bamboozled. Now you are ready we can begin! Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any disease that could be passed on by a sneeze or a cough. When laughter is shared, it blinds people and binds us together. Unites us with magical power as it increases, vibrating every cell in our mortal bodies with happiness. Real now, in the moment.”

He bends over to pick up his stage showing his large arse to the audience. His horn honks loudly and Ronny peers round looking embarrassed.

“Laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy and protect you from the damaging effects of stress from the world around you. This priceless medicine is fun and free. Laughter is a powerful and mystic medicine for the mind as well as for the body.”

From his suitcase, he pulls out an enormous string of comedy sausages. There are so many of them as he keeps on pulling, that he has to drape them four times over his shoulder.

“It’s time to feed the crocodile!” He takes a large stuffed crocodile out of the case.

“This is Jim.”

And puts Jim back in to the case. The case is open towards Ronny and the audience can only see the back of the lid. Ronny Throws the end of the string of sausages into the case and at great speed the are pulled in, supposedly being eaten by Jim. At the end there is a large juicy belch and Ronny slams the lid shut.

“Laughter is the best Medicine. Unless You're sick, then medicine is the best medicine.” He takes his bow to rapturous applause.

Ronny's Wife Wendy had worked for many years in a hospital, so she knew that laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.

Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.

Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.

Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

Laughter makes you feel good. And the good feeling that you get when you laugh remains with you even after the laughter subsides. Humor helps you keep a positive, optimistic outlook through difficult situations, disappointments, and loss.

More than just a respite from sadness and pain, laughter gives you the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. Even in the most difficult of times, a laugh-or even simply a smile-can go a long way toward making you feel better.

She knew this and her husband Ronny, the funniest person she had ever met, knew all this. But somehow underneath, they still weren't happy.

Life had become a nightmare for the Kausebarten family since they had moved to the Cliff-Top council estate. Ronny and Wendy had moved to the coast five years ago after their life had been disrupted by the most horrible disaster a family could endure. They didn’t live in one of the local apartments that had beautiful seaside views, standing proudly next to the seaside hotels. Instead, the Kausebarten family had moved into a towering block of flats overlooking the coast on the outskirts of the town of Mare-gate.

Mare-gate was a seaside town with a spooky reputation. A few years before, the local themed amusement park, the Fantasy Playground, closed its gates after a horrific day of madness, where a few people lost their lives and some kids disappeared. The locals speculated that this was for the last time, as the park had been falling into decline for years. The final showdown had been reported in the local papers and presented on the regional news. Then, just as it had always happened over the years of tragic events of the Fantasy Playground, the event faded quickly in people’s minds. It was like it had never happened. Nobody was surprised, or even seemed bothered. They locked up the gates with chains and gradually stopped talking about it. Nobody asked any questions about the children, staff members, or police, who died or simply vanished. It was as if the park was protecting itself and the town just blocked the event out of their consciousness, to protect their sanity.

Now, with the credit crunch, and small coastal resorts like Mare-gate losing their attraction, the future of the local tourism was beginning to look bleak.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Empire of the Dead

Empire of the dead by James Sykes.

Empire of the dead.
Underground in Paris.

On the 14 October 2016 Twins Tyrone and Kenzie’s Teacher Mrs Salisbury was Planning a school trip and was still very much undecided on the destination.

She looked on the internet for ideas. Sam being a romantic kind of girl, twenty six and still single. All of her friends were married and having children and posting all of it continually up on Facebook for the world to admire while she sat single in her flat. But she was still on the shelf. She yearned for romance in her life. Eventually her dreams and romantic side got the better of her. Her idea of finding love took her to thinking about visiting the city of romance, the city of love. She thought about visiting Paris. According the indulgent website in front of her on her computer at work, it was  the most popular destination for European school trips, and with good reason.

Ah yes Samantha Salisbury was pleased with her self and thought dreamily about the prospect.
She thought: not only is travelling from England to Paris an easy journey: There are ferries and The Eurotunnel, offering a quick and simple route, but Paris is a beautiful city with countless Historical and educational landmarks and a fascinating, eye-opening culture that will broaden the mind of even the most stubborn of her students and she had two very difficult boys in her class. The twins Tyrone and Kenzie.

"Paris has something relevant for everyone; something relevant to our school group’s national curriculum." She told her boss, head teacher Mrs Saul

Paris has a vast and vibrant history, featuring landmarks such as, The Arc De Triomphe, and the Eiffel Tower, The Louvre and many others! There was even, Disneyland near by meaning that Paris has something relevant for everyone; something relevant to our school group’s national curriculum, so planning a school trip to Paris will give you plenty of options for our itinerary she begged. Trying not to sound too needy about the idea over the phone.
Aside from its beautiful landmarks, Paris is widely considered to be one of the leading fashion capitals in the world. Home to many world-famous brands, such as Chanel, Givenchy, and Jean Paul Gaultier.
Okay you can take them to Paris.” It was done.
She announced it to the class the next week after sorting out the travel details.

Death in Leamington Spa

Death in Leamington Spa
James Sykes
Thursday, June 1, 2017
He died in the upstairs bedroom
By the light of the twinkling stars
That shone through the double-glazed window
From over Leamington Spa

Beside him the lonely guitar
Lay patiently and unstrung,
But the fingers that would have played it
Were dead and his song still unsung.

his mother came in with the tea-things
she had carried the tray up the stairs
But she was alone, lost in her thoughts
And her thoughts were alone, lost in theirs.

She closed the big round window
and let the blinds unfold,
She looked at the clock the mantle,
it had stopped and the time was old.

"Tea!" she said in a tiny voice
"Wake up! It's nearly five"
Oh! Chintzy, chintzy cheeriness,
Half dead and half alive.

Do you know that the stucco is peeling?
Do you know that the heart will stop?
From those yellow Italianate arches
Do you hear the plaster drop?

She looked at the silent bedstead,
At the grey, decaying face,
As the calm of a Leamington ev'ning
Drifted into the silently in to the place.

She moved the table of bottles
Away from the bed to the wall;
And tiptoeing gently over the stairs
Turned off the lights in the hall.

The sensation Tristan felt was like vertigo. His mother, Shirley sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of her.She had just welcomed Tristan back home and had delivered the terrible news to him directly.

A tear dripped over her bottom eye-lash and painted a blue line down her cheek. Just to clarify, she repeated. “Your brother’s dead. I poisoned him this afternoon. He’s lying on his bed upstairs.

Tristan had understood why she had done it, so there was no need to ask. His older brother Dennis had been addicted to drugs his whole life and everybody knew that an overdose was just around the corner.

He was in a state of never ending intoxication and abuse. The intoxication was with drugs and alcohol and the abuse, he inflicted on everybody around him breaking them all by taking to feed his addictions and to stay alive. He was absolutely incapable of supporting him self, so he was obliged to rely on other people’s generosity. As long as he continued his cycle of taking, this was his life style.

“What now? Do we phone the police? Maybe we should wait until the morning and tell them we discovered he’s O.D.
Tristan was sad, a cloud of depression had fallen over him, but he was still able to think rationally. He gripped his mother’s hands across the table and wept with her.

“I have cancer.” Shirley wept, “Just before I die I’ll admit the truth to the police. I’ll tell them that I did it and I’ll tell them why. Either way I’ll be too sick to be punished by law.”

“I’ll help you bury him.”

“No, I don’t want you implicated in any way.”

“I’ve got to, Mum. Please let me, you don’t have to tell them that I helped you.”

“Okay. I’m going to need some help to bury him. It’s true.

“have you thought about where?”

“On the allotment.”

“okay. I’ll make more tea.”

“Thank you.”


Sunday, 4 June 2017

The Little Merman

The Little Merman

By James Sykes

Once upon a time . In The deepest, darkest part of the bluest ocean, there stood a splendid palace of beautiful coral. Inside lived the Sea King; a wise old Triton with a long flowing white beard. He lived in a magnificent palace, built of gaily rainbow coloured coral and seashells, together there with his five children. They were all very beautiful mere-people, who lived a secret life at the bottom of the sea.
Aerio, the youngest and loveliest of them all, also had a beautiful voice, and when he sang, the fish flocked from all over the sea to listen. Their hells gaped wide, showing their pearls and even the jellyfish and sharks stopped to listen. The young merman often sang, and each time, he would gaze upwards, seeking the faint sunlight that scarcely managed to filter down into the depths.
"Oh, how I'd love to go up there and at last see the sky, which everyone says is so pretty, and hear the voices of humans and smell the blossoms and flowers!" He wished as he listened to the enchanting tales of the land of the humans from the  merfolk below.
"You're still too young!" said his mother. "In a year or two, when you're old enough and responsible enough, you may visit the surface of the ocean and gaze upon the wickedness of the human world. Then you will see how lucky we are to live underwater. Only then will the King let you go up there, like all your brothers and sisters have!" Aerio spent his time wishing he could visit the world of The humans, he listened to his brothers and sisters' stories and every time they returned form the surface, he would ask them many questions, to satisfy his ravenous curiosity.